The Fallout

I came into contact with someone who was a special creature. The whole scenario had a starting point , but of course came the ending point. I was able to work my way from the ground up , which came with a lot of memorizing memories. Through the ups and downs , until it all went down. From a sweet encounter , to a sour extermination. From a sweet entrance , to a sour exit. There was a good dose of satisfaction when there was a sense of achievement after such gem was discovered. While I am within the present moment , I did not realize that those present moments around lead to some toxic future moments. I had to prepare for the worst , no matter what was said. The unexpected was miles away , but it was coming. It was only a matter of time. It felt like a love/hate scenario , due to the pain and pleasure that was mixed together. This is not new territory for me. I have been in this familiar type of spot before , where the chemistry takes off with a good spark , only to come back down to Earth. It’s funny how things die out after a while , right before your very eyes. There are times where , you wish they could be revived , yet there is certain circumstances in which you know deep down that they cannot return from the grave. Those incidents usually tend to be those where 2nd , 3rd and even 4th chances was given out , only for there to be another burning crash being the outcome.

So I’m trying to make sense of this. I am still trying to process this , and I am still trying to wrap my brain around this. A type of era I once had that was so precious , which later felt as if it was poisonous. I kept trying to give the benefit of the doubt , but the pain took over the love. It was as if it was a type of rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs. We just couldn’t stay parallel. The disagreements kept building , the jealousy kept holding me hostage , the strictness became a bit more intense , and the criticism was revealing itself more. That’s what happens when arguments pop off. Someone expresses how they really feel , so they give out these details , only to still want to engage in a convo. It’s a complete mind-twist. So instead of any future arrangement , the talk could still remain , despite not feeling the same way as before. Where do I even go from here? Even from the very beginning , there was already issues. There was already disagreements; basically different points of views regarding something. At some point , there comes a time where you have to officially put a stoppage to something for good , at least by dodging another ongoing dispute that keeps sending you chills to your spine. There comes a time where even you have to fall back on someone , so that the quietness sends an indirect message to them , showing them that you simply will no longer put up with all of the nonsense and all of the verbal altercations. At some point , your mind tells you “enough is enough”.

There was alot of love and respect going on , and there was a lot of interest. But that’s what usually happens when it first begins. That’s what happens when it’s fresh. That’s what happens when someone has a good first impression of you. Time was not on our side though. We delivered doses of romance to one another , thinking that this could last as far as it could. But it’s too bad that one year is a blink of an eye which could not sustain itself further. So it regressed. It went back to its lower stage , such as when we first met. I was the type of person that would forgive , like someone giving someone else another shot at it since the vibe was not too personal , at least not at the time. I felt that there was a misunderstanding , and that a problem could easily be repaired. But then I would realize that I had to find out the hard way. So I bring back an era , only to realize down the stretch that the systemic mistake was already there since the comeback. I had no idea because , it took just a few months for there to be some more bruises along the way. There was the hangouts but then there was possessive attitudes. It felt as if it contradicted everything. The love was still shown to me , like I recall these nights and these other times yet I was also disregarded to have no simple linkup in sight. The last straw was some similar shots , like “hey , don’t hit me up if you don’t want a higher level again”. Yet on the contrary I still get hit up , despite falling back , despite staying quiet , despite minding my own business and despite not responding back. So now I am in a state of supreme confusion here.

I even told her that I’m confused , cause I cannot understand a person that says one thing but does another thing. Still wanna keep in contact after the last time we had a convo? It’s like I’m being provoked to make a decision to regain this connected momentum we had. Like really , do you expect me to respond back? My silence is a statement. It’s like a different type of statement. So basically my ghostly tactic means , you don’t know exactly what I’m thinking , yet if I refuse to answer , you are expected to get the hint. I told myself “Let me extend this silent mode for real this time”. Like instead of 3 months , I can go double that amount or even 3 times longer than that. Maybe even for life to let the recipient know that even I’m not playing games either , and that I have my own way of creating restrictions. I can only do so much when I go to war until I say “No more”, but it’s not because I feel defeated. It’s because I already said enough of what was said. Remember , anyone can replace me. Nobody can expect me to fall for the trap , even subconsciously. Cause I can analyze a pattern in someone to where I say “Okay .. Now I see who this cat really is”. The same old stuff , knocking at my door , again and again. Why not move on? Cause I myself moved on. The point of no return , once again. No rewinding the clock like another painful lesson learned. The reminder is tough to consider even for others. Those that you will meet up with later on that might throw you a type of reminiscence. The damage was done , but I was still valued to this day. That’s why I even said “You should be thankful that I found you”, and I never got a direct response to that gem that I dropped towards that other gem that I no longer possess.